Sonic Timeline! Teh Moar You Know!
by DJ BLEACH
Summary: See what REALLY happened during the days of Sonic games, all the way back to the genisis era! Watch as Moar random talking animals show up in every game to help our possibly meth-addicted hero, Sonic the Hedgehog! Contains Fail and LMAO, by Sonic! Fun!
1. Chapter 1

**Please take it easy on me, This is my first attempt at a pure humor fic.**

**Act I**

**Fat Guys, Robots, and Neptune. There's Also a Hedgehog...Somewhere.**

1991.

In the beginning, Sonic was a blue hedgehog who woke up every morning feeling like he was ready to take on the world! All his friends, which were animals that couldn't talk, they could only jump around and do other stupid animal things, were always so happy and frolic-y! But then, they mysteriously started disappearing, being soon replaced by robots!

_"Hmm, I'd better get to the bottom of this."_ the hedgehog thought as he zoomed off.

A distant cackle resonated in the air, "Bwahahahaha!" the cackle of a mad scientist.

Followed by that cackle was a lively tune, "La la la la! I luv turning small animals into robots to do things that I'm too fat and lazy to do myself! La la la!"

A small robot came from his pocket and into the palm of his hand, "Ah, right on time. Now, comb my mustache!" he ordered harshly. The tiny robot used it's tiny jetpack, pulled out a tiny comb, and began running it through the docter's facial hair.

The mad docter floated around the island in a pod shaped much like himself, though heavily weighed down by his body size, "Hey! This thing also has a wrecking ball attached to it!"

"Denial." I said back.

With a deep growl, the docter continued floating around randomly, until a blue stream of light crossed his path, "Ooh! Is AC-DC putting on a laser show here? Yay!"

"No! Tis I, Sonic the Hedge--" the hedgehog was inturrupted

"Tis I? Who the heck says, Tis I? What are you, Moses?" the docter laughed.

Angered by his mocking question, Sonic ran around in circles to draw up the wind, creating a ghastly face and figure. He shouted in a deep voice, "No, I am Neptune, king of the sea! I brew mighty storms and send many a sailor to a watery grave!"

The Docter cowered, until the real Neptune came up out of the water and addressed the young hedgehog, "No you're not. I am. And you know nothing of my work."

Sonic stood there for a moment, "Oh...Well...you don't have copyrights! So buzz of, fishy!"

Neptune ran back into the sea, crying like a little girl. Sonic stood valiantly, "Ha! Now where was I? Oh yeah, I'm gonna kick your butt Robotnik!"

"Hey, how did you know my name?!" the docter questioned.

"I read the manual!" Sonic answered, pulling out a manual for "Sonic the Hedgehog". He scanned the cover, "Ugg, look how fat I look."

Sonic was knocked back by an orange, checkered ball, sending a shockwave of pain through his jaw as he collided with the stone-wall. He rubbed his jaw as he got up, "Ooohh, You're gonna pay for that Eggman!"

"I thought my name was Robotnik."

"Yeah, but you kinda look like an Egg from this angle."

"Whatever, I doubt that name will stick." the docter finished, rearing the ball back to dish out more punishment. Sonic lept to one of the conveniantly placed platforms to get above it. The hedgehog then curled up, and jumped ontop of Eggman's ugly mug, which for some freakish reason, damaged the machine rather than Eggman himself.

He repeated this proccess several times, and the machine blew up, "Baaaawww!!! You broke my machine! Oh,well, I guess I'll go make another one with an obvious weakness. See you later Sonic!"

Sonic raised his fist to the sky, "I'll get you Eggman! I swear it! All by myself too!"

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After many hours of looping, ring-collecting, and robot destroying, Sonic arrived at his final destiation. Which, conviniently, was called the Final Zone. Sonic stepped into the metal world, scratching his head in thought as his eyes scanned the crusty map in his hands, "Man, this wouldn't be so hard if that bird hadn't shit on the map..." frustrated and tired, the hedgehog crumpled the map and tossed it aside, "Bah, I'm sure I can find my way around here easy! I mean, I can't even move in three demensions! All I need to do is go left and right! So off I go!" with a charge, Sonic bolted to the right, the zone and backgrounds looping endlessly until, "Hmm, that lowered cieling looks dangerous..."

And he was right. No sooner had Sonic stepped in, a wall shut behind him, "Shoot!" he cursed...sort of. He then noticed that he could still see the back grounds to the left and right of him, "GAHH! If only I could move in three demensions, I could get out of here!" he roared, pushing against the wall.

"Bwahahahahaha! Hello Sonic, we finally meet!" Eggman cackled out of nowhere.

"Umm, dude, I saw you like, two hours ago. This game really isn't that hard, all you need to do is hold down right, sometimes press jump and--"

Eggman inturrupted him with a loud, "SSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" popping out of his hiding place with his finger to his lips, "If Sega hears you, we'll be fired!" Eggman spoke to the sky loudly, presumably talking to Yuji Naka, "Um, he means that this game is fun and challenging for all ages! With platform levels and well designed stages, as well as tough bosses!"

"Double-You-Tee-Eff tough bosses?" Sonic lashed out, "All I have to do is jump on you!"

"I will hear no more incinuations about mahself!!!!" an infuriated Eggman screamed, "You will taste the wrath of my mighty fist! And...uh...this thing!!!" In a puff of smoke, the man disappeared again, leaving Sonic confused and freaked. Mechanical whurring reached his ears, as he noticed the platform he was standing on was rising.

"Whoa!" yelped the hedgehog, leaping off to the side as the pillar collided with the cieling, "Heeyyyyyyy....You're trying to kill me!"

The docter's brow twitched, "Uh....DUHR.", and the piller went back into the ground.

"Well that's not fair! I don't even get any rings!" protested Sonic, looking down at the now hidden pillar. Cackling and sparking noises made his ears twitch. He looked up to see four luminescent balls of purple electric energy heading his way, "Oh BLEEP!" he cursed, jumping between two of them. Eggman laughed once more, raising two pillers in an attempt to smash Sonic. Said Hedgehog saw Eggman in the pillar infront of him, and jumped to strike him.

"Ow! Bitch!" hissed Eggman.

"Wow...I can even beat _your machines _by jumping on them. Sweeeeeet." Sonic said cooly, dodging four more balls of electricity.

This was it, the ultimate final battle of finality which would finalize the final ending. And this will be the final time I say final.

Sonic leapt at the pillar, to which it began to explode in random spots before blowing up quickly, "Noooooooooo!!! You destroyed mah piller machine!" Eggman ran past the destroyed pillars and into his pod.

"Ha ha! Run run run back to yo momma's skinny rib-cage Egghead, cause you lose!" Sonic proclaimed valiantly. Fuled by such anger and rage, Eggman threw his fist to the sky, uttering a cry so shrill the whole world heard it...

**"I'LL GET YOU SONIC THE HEDGEH--AHH! MY PANTS ARE TOO TIGHT!"**

**----------------------------------------------------**

The greens of the fields blurred past in a plethera of color and light as Sonic charged through Green Hill, all seven chaos emeralds in hand, "Doot doot dee doot, savin the world, protectin' the enviroment." he sang, flowers springing up at his foot steps.

"I, Sonic the Hedgehog-person-guy, have taken great liberty in freeing you animals from Eggman's tyrrany! Rejoice and be happy in knowing that your savior is before you! Your blue hero! Your Eggman smasher, hee hee hee! Let it be known that Sonic the hedgehog, will destroy all evil to come our way and never let you down, especially now that I've got these pretty emeralds! HUZZAH!!!!!" Sonic cheered aloud to the animals.

...The animals did nothing...

"....Well fuck you then!" Sonic scolded, running off, dropping the pretty emeralds in the process...

"I'm not done yet Sonic!" Eggman cackled, cruising through the plains, incinerating all the flowers with his flamethrower, making the bunnies cry. He held up one emerald in triumph, "Now _I _have the emeralds!" he immediately grabbed one of the nearby flickies, "And these odd-colored bird thingies to put in more of my robots! I shall have my revenge yet!" Eggman uttered his final word as he moved off into the distance...

**"VENGANCE SHALL BE MINE, SONIC THE HEDGE--AHH! MY PANTS ARE STILL TOO TIGHT!"**

_end of Act I_

**Hope you liked it! Coming up next, SONIC CD.**


	2. Sonic CD, Pt1

**Sorry for the slow update, I've been busy on other stories. Hooray, people like it! Onward to SONIC CD!!! Split into two chapters.**

**ACT II, Pt. 1**

**A Tiny Planet in the S...HOT DAMN, THERE'S A CHICK IN THIS ONE!**

"Another day, another adventure..." Thoughts from Sonic the hedgehog whipped around about as fast as his feet did. Streams of blue bolted across the green landscape at the booming speed the hedgehog was known for, all while a little tune cresendoed from his lips, _"Sonic boom, Sonic boom, trouble keeps me runnin faster! Sonic Boom, Sonic Boom, savin' the planet from disaster! Sonic Boom, Sonic Boom, spinnin' through a world in motion! Sonic Boom, Sonic Boom, Sonic booooooommm...DUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!" _Sonic swiped his hand, creating the final strum from his guitar to resonate in the air, "...wait, where the hell did this guitar come from?" with a finger to his chin, Sonic thought for a moment...

"Oh my God! SEGA's tryin' to fit me into the punk metal, skater-dude stereotype!" he screamed.

A red echidna appeared beside him, "You think that's bad, wait till you see what they do to me in a few years." it said, flashing it's gold teeth and the chains around it's neck as the boom box behind it blasted samples from Lil' John and 2Pac. He flashed his first fingers and pinkies, "Word." and n an instant, the echidna disappeared.

"Wonder who that was?" Sonic said to no one, destroying the guitar with his foot as he kept running...

It had been a few months since Sonic thwarted the machinations of one , who was sent home with tears in his eyes, and his pants too tight.

Sonic turned to me with a grimmace, "Okay, that joke's getting old." with that, the hedgehog sped off once more, towards a certain destination...

-------------------------------------------

"Okay, by use of my freaky voodoo, er...Tarot Cards, I will find my true love!"

One hyperactive, sugar-coated hedgehog is now thrown into the mix, so Sega can _totally prove _Sonic's heterosexuality. Introducing...PRINCESS SALLY!

"MY NAME IS AMY! DAMMIT SEGA OF AMERICA! WE DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR EFFING SHOW!" the hedgehog roared, the flames from her candles mysteriously flaring up, "Now, back to the cards." she scanned the cards with a hawk-like gaze, "Blue." she read one card, "Hedgehog." said another, "Meth-Addiction" the final one read.

Amy sprang out of her seat in joy, "That's it! My true love is a blue, meth-addicted hedgehog! I'll bet he's reeeeeeeeeealy fast! That's what meth does to a person!" Amy turned to the audiance, "Remember you guys, meth is a great way to get away from the cops! If they ask you for your licsence, ust take some and you'll be able to run away at the speed of light!" with that, the girl slipped on her shoes, and headed off.

-----------------------------

"Ahh, Little Planet...which really isn't a very good name, considering that it's effing HUGE." Sonic took a deep inhale, the crisp, dirty air filling his lungs, blackening them with a sick, smogy taste, "Wait! Sick, smoggy taste?! Oxygen isn't supposed to smell like that!"

Just then, Billy Mayes appeared, "**WELL, WITH OXYCLEAN, YOUR BREATHABLE OXYGEN WOULD SMELL SO--**"

Sonic cut him off with a rock to the face, "For the love of God, shut up! Why are you always yelling?! You're worse than Samuel Jackson!"

With Billy Mayes running away crying, Sonic smirked in pride, "Great! Now I just need to find the Shamwow guy...Why is the air so dirty anyway?" he sniffed the air again, nearly choking. As he reopened his eyes, he only had a split second before getting thwacked by a heavy, metal object, sending him flying into the wall, "Oww....Again?" he looked up and gasped. A metal sheen covered the little planet above the lake, connected to the rocks by an immense chain, "No...it...it can't be!"

"Bwahahahaahaahaha!!!" that laugh, it was all too familiar, "Guess what Sonic the Hedgehog?! I've taken over this tiny planet, and will soon take over this big big planet below it! It's only a matter of the time before I make a heavy metal world! Now excuse my while I go find my Metallica records to play like it was my bad-ass metal theme!" with that, the mad docter's voice fizzled away.

Sonic threw a fist skyward, "Damn you Eggman! I've already beaten you once!" he stopped for a moment, "Then again, _that _wasn't too hard. Heh heh, I'll just zoom through the zones, get the chaos whatever's, beat your final robot, and free the tiny little critters! Ya! This'll be easy!"

The hedgehog zoomed off once again, beginning his climatic leap between rocks upon rocks. With incredible agility and dexterity, he jumped over chasms and clifs, swinging on rocks. In one final jump, he looped around a single rock and rocketed towards a tall-standing, spike-like rock, prepared to grab ahold of it to stop for a moment.

...but his angle was too low. And he ended up hitting...yeah, _that _area.

_**"GGGGYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"**_

-------

Amy's ears twittered to the scream, "Why, that sounded like a Howling Wildebeast. _Gasp, _if I report this to Steve Irwin, I'll make a fortune! And I'll get to hear him say 'crikey'! EEE!" she squealed, nearly hopping in place, "I gotta find that wildebeast!" with that, she zoomed off again, unaware she was being watched...

Two, flashing red eyes flickered from the bushes, _"Kttttzzzz. Pink hedgehog found...damn she's hot." _

"Metal Sonic! Quit drooling over that kid you robo-perv! Just follow her!" Eggman roared over his radio.

"Shaddup Egghead! I know the mission." Metal Sonic groaned, heading off.

"My name is Robotnick Goddammit!"

"Whatever you say Goddammit. Heh heh heh..."

---------

"Owwwww...." a pained groaned escaped the hedgehog's lips as he kept walking, "Damn, I hope I'm still able to have kids..."

Sonic the hedgehog had momentarily regained feeling in his crotch long enough to run up the chain up to the Little Planet. Suspiciously, the planet looked like it was on acid. Flashing lights, warping colors, all blending into one mish-mash of psycadellic, druggy goodness.

The hedgehog looked around the Collision Chaos Zone in amazement, "Man, this is just like that drug trip I saw in that movie when I was on that drug trip..."

Bumpers and springs abound in this pinball machine turned sideways! Sonic curled up like a pinball on crack, bouncing around, richocheting off walls and electrified floors, "Hot damn! I gots pinball fevah!!!" the psycadelic rock blared in the background, adding even more edge to the visuals.

"Yeah. SEGAs _totally _not trying to promote drug use with this game!" jeered the hedgehog, rocketing into a tunnel, panting and sweaty, "Whew, I gotta lose some weight by Sega's next home console release." he stepped in closer, grabbing a few rings as he did so.

And then...the laughter...

"Hee hee hee, I spy a little blue hedgehog..."

Sonic gasped and turned, "Who's there?! Why are the voices coming back?! Make them stop!" he screamed, curling into a fetal-position.

A bubbly voice called out from the shadows, "Hee hee hee! No silly! It's me, Amy Rose, you're _true love!!!!"_ the _horribly _dressed, pink hedgehog leapt in front of the hedgehog, her pose displaying affection and cuteness, "We're gonna be together forever and ever!"

"I don't even _know _you!" the hedgehog immediately retorted, getting back to his feet.

Amy giggled, "Oh, well allow me to introduce myself! I'm A--AHH!" a scream cut her sentance short, metal hands grasping her waist, "Rape! Rape!" she screamed bloody murder as she floated away in the hands of a robot.

Sonic wiped the sweat from his brow, "Oh thank GOD. I thought I would have to be stuck with an obsessive fangirl fore--"

SEGA's head officals shot him a stern glare. Sonic groaned, "Oh, c'mon, do I _have _to save her?! She's just gonna try to rape me or draw yaoi of me in the future!"

SEGA's head officals kept their gaze. The distrought hedgehog sighed, feeling this was highly unjust, "_FINE. _Lemme just go into this goal ring right here."

Sonic made a leap through the hoop, "Wait a minute. The goal is supposed to be a sign...Hot damn! Special Stage, here I come!"

----------------------------------------

**AT THE SPECIAL STAGE:**

Sonic appeared in a vibrant flash of light, "Alright, I just need to get 50 rings and--what the heck?!"

A tube was not the hedgehog's surroundings. Insted, he was on a metal plat form in the middle of the ocean, with several small pools across it's surface. Several, puffy, balloon-like ships appeared above him, spreading out over the course, "WTF?! This is one weird special stage..."

The Sonic CD game manual appeared in his hands, _"To win at the special stage, defeat all of the UFOs."_

"That's all? That shouldn't be too hard..." with a smirk, the hedgehog zoomed off, feeling rather unusual about his movements, "...cool! I can move in 3D! Hellz yeah!"

It wasn't long before each of the alien ships exploded in a pretty, CG exploding animation. Sonic was warped out of the special stage...

-----------------------------------

He opened his eyes, "...Aw shoot, where the heck am I _now?!_"

The freaked out hedgehog scanned his surroundings. Baron landscapes shrouded in red dust, black sky above, "Where am I?" he asked to no one, beginning another walk.

"Sonic the Hedgehog..."

Sonic turned to the voice, "What the?! Who said tha--HOLY FEMALE BULL!"

Behind him was a giant, stone crafted, Abraham Lincoln...

"I am Abraham Lincoln." he said, "Sonic, by getting the time stone in the special stage, you have been transported back in time...and to Mars."

Sonic's eyes shot open instantly. He grasped at his own throat, "Gak! No...oxygen...on...Mars...can't breathe..." the hedgehog fell, unmoving.

Lincoln glanced around suspiciously, before reaching into the hedgehog's pocket and taking his wallet, "...hey! There's only fifteen bucks in here!"

Sonic reached his hand up, "No...my...meth cash..."

"Oh Shut up hedgehog! You aren't dying!" the statue roared, tossing the wallet away. Sonic dusted himself off and stood up.

"Why am I here?" he asked.

Lincoln pointed to Earth-slash-Mobius beside the planet they rested on, "Sonic, it is your destiny to save the world from and his Sonic Robot. When you do, you and Amy will become star-crossed lovers fore--"

"HELL NO!" Sonic roared, inturrupting Lincoln. He thrashed his arms around wildly, "There is no way I will ever be in love with here! You MUST be joking!"

Stone-Lincoln smashed Sonic with his fist, "I'm _Abraham Friggin' Lincoln! _I _never _lie!" he picked up the now dizzy and bruised hedgie, aiming towards Earth-slash-Mobius, "Now, _go save the world Sonic the Hedehog!!!"_

With that, the satue hurled Sonic back at Earth-Slash-Mobius, sending him hurdling thorugh space at speeds which by regular logic, no creature could survive. But then again, this is Sonic CD, where anything is possible.

"God speed Sonic the hedgehog." Lincoln saluted, "Speaking of speed..." the statue picked up a straw and put it to his nose...

_To be continued..._

**There's Sonic CD part one! I hoped you liked it! Next part coming soon! I promise!**


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